When all else fails - Regain control with a powerful shift of focus

By: Tom Cloyd - 2 minute read

(Published: 2009; reviewed: 2026-05-24:1603 Pacific Time (USA))

 

NOTE: Before deciding to try this or any other procedure on this site, be sure to read our Disclaimer.

 

A powerful technique for counteracting strong impulses to dissociate ^{^}

Since feelings are our automatic response to what we are focused on, shifting our focus and giving us relief from even the worst feelings and memories we are experiencing. The procedure described below is related to the procedure described in Ground yourself..., except that it is more active and thus more powerful. It requires more effort, but works better and quicker with seriously painful feelings or memories. It can also serve as an excellent relaxation exercise, and is helpful for calming yourself deeply right before sleep.

One client with dissociative identity disorder told me of using it when she had a friend drive her past the house where she was abused as a child. She reported that it enabled her to keep control of her emotions at a time when it felt like she was about to become strongly dissociated.

As with many other things, doing it correctly is critical ^{^}

I developed the procedure for those of my clients who are most bothered by such emotional flooding and dissociation, and we have found that it works exceptionally well — but only if you do it exactly as detailed here. It is very important to do the procedure correctly. Minor deviations from the procedure can cause it to have little if any effect. There is a good reason for every part of the procedure. Do it as described below and it is a powerful tool!

To learn this procedure so that it works reliably, I have found, usually requires a coach. This can certainly be a spouse or friend - anyone who can just read the procedure to you, step by step. Alternatively, record it and play it back so that you have audible instructions to follow.

An even simpler self-managed approach is to write out brief instructions on a set of note cards or slips of paper. These can just be the prompt words, below, if you understand what they mean. You can lay these on a table in front of you, or tape them to a wall. Then you merely look at them in the right sequence and follow the written instructions.

How to do it ^{^}

Begin by sitting where you can be comfortable and uninterrupted for about three minutes (bathrooms are often good to use for this).

There are just two parts to this skill – (a) three tension - release breaths, then (b) seven relaxed breaths. Learn them separately, then combine them to create the complete procedure. Here’s how to do them:

• tension-release breaths — Read this whole procedure first so that you understand each part of it. Learn to say the prompts in quotes to make sure you are doing this part correctly. You will do three of these tension-release breaths, one after the other:
• “breathe” -- take a deep breath and hold it - and continue;
• “mouth and throat open” -- make sure your mouth and throat are open (test yourself: can you pant, as if breathless?);
• “press” -- press your hands together in front of you, at about the level of your navel; keep your elbows pressed into your sides;
• “focus and wait” – bring your full attention to the growing tension that results from holding your breath in this way, and from the effort of pressing your hands together; if you have distracting thoughts, you are not pressing hard enough; your hands should start shaking slightly during this part of the procedure, if you are pressing hard enough; continue focusing and pressing and saying “focus” to yourself silently, until you feel you MUST release the tension – and remember that the more tension you put into this part of the procedure the more relaxation you will experience later;
• “release” – let go of all tension; let your arms drop completely. Let your head fall back if possible. Tell yourself “just let go, let the tension go”. Continue this while you take two or three easy, relaxed breaths, so you don’t get breathless or hyperventilate;

• do the next tension-release breath, and then the final one. At that point, go on the next type of breath, below.

• relaxed breaths – Let each breath be an easy, natural thing. Make no effort. Just breathe without trying. (This will be easy to do, after the three tension-release breaths.) As you breathe, just watch your breath rise (creating a little tension) and fall (releasing tension). With each release, allow your relaxation level to go just a little bit lower, until you have done all seven “relaxed breaths”.

Finally, let yourself slowly return to your normal awareness, keeping your quietness and relaxed calmness quietly inside you. Encourage yourself to just feel the world around you, without thinking any more than you have to, for at least a couple of minutes.

 

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